Gender Perceptions of Confidence
When is confidence a positive attribute? When does confidence cross the line to become arrogance?
Those questions have been on my mind and I’ve been pondering the answers because of something that recently happened to me.
The Story
Several weeks ago I had the privilege of delivering Presentation Skills Training to a large corporation. I was brainstorming the curriculum with one of my partners, and she asked me to repeat my thought. After I repeated it, she said we should include that statement in our curriculum. And so we did. We stated it verbally and put it in the materials as a quote with my name under it.
As I always do after training, I gave the participants a survey in which they could give feedback about what worked well and what didn’t. This was one of the comments:
“Quoting yourself seems self-promoting, a little arrogant.”
When I read this I wasn’t offended or hurt, but I was surprised. As I do with all the comments I get, I turned it over and over in my mind, trying to determine if I was indeed arrogant and if I needed to change the materials.
I started researching arrogance and confidence in the workplace and here’s what I found:
How Children View Confidence In Each Other
I turned to one my favorite books about communication in the workplace, Talking from 9 to 5 by Deborah Tannen. Tannen is an expert in understanding how and why men and women communicate differently with each other. She sheds some light on how we are conditioned as children to communicate:
Boys are expected to put themselves forward, emphasize the qualities that make them look good, and deemphasize those that would show them in a less favorable light. Too much of this is called arrogance. Girls are expected to be ‘humble’ (not try to take the spotlight), emphasize the way they are just like everyone else, and deemphasize the ways they are special.
She also says,
From childhood, girls learn to temper what they say so as not to sound too aggressive – which means too certain. From the time they are little, most girls learn that sounding too sure of themselves will make them unpopular with their peers.
Our childhood training about gender communication does stay with us. And whether we are aware of it or not, we still use those gender norms when evaluating people in the workplace.
I don’t know if the person who called me “arrogant” was a man or a woman. But I do think Deborah Tannen’s assessment of gender communication is fascinating.
What is Your Experience with Gender Views of Confidence?
Has something like this happened to you? Have you ever found yourself holding back so as not to sound arrogant?
Shut the front door! There are more posts like this? Yes!
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- How Being Nice Can Hurt Your Business
About Alicia Arenas
Alicia, this is both a thoughtful and thought provoking post on a topic that has more facets than it may be possible to detect in one sitting. I’d submit that one of the facets it is helpful to consider is this: connection — never mind, authentic communication — is difficult. Period. For example, consider siblings (regardless of gender) who share a lifetime of common experiences, the same socio-economic background, and a similar value structure; yet, completely misunderstand each others’ intentions and communiques at virtually every turn. And wind up seeming to have almost nothing about which they agree.
There are barriers to every attempt to communicate an important idea. Gender may be one; but there are many. Economics, education, philosophical or theological perspective, environment, age, physical characteristics, pronounced accents or intonations are only a few of the more common causes of a communication gap. My bias is that what one perceives as poise, another views as stilted. What some view as a comfort level in front of a crowd or camera is seen by others as being too slick — the craft of a skilled actor. And one man’s (or woman’s) arrogance is another’s confidence.
Effective communication takes place in the context of shared (or common) experiences. Those of us who aspire to communicate must constantly search for this common ground. (This, incidentally, is why there is so much value in dialogue.) But it may be helpful to remember that we don’t have to look as deep as the differences in gender to identify fertile ground for misunderstanding. Every parent knows that saying something once — no matter how we say it — is no guarantee that it connects.
Eric, you make a good point that there are many barriers to effective communication. I particularly liked your statement, “Effective communication takes place in the context of shared (or common) experience.” As business owners, parents and part of the world, we should remind ourselves to set aside our biases and stay open to hearing what the other person is saying from their point of view.
I find more people without confidence look at those who are confident as arrogant. I find more men who say that about me, than woman, so not sure if that is a gender thing or not.
Thanks for the thoughts on this, and good to find your blog through the tuesdays at 2
Rock on
Tim
Tim, it was great to meet you too. Thank you for your comment. Yes, it’s a tricky issue isn’t it?
Methinks this is an issue of personal preference. Or perhaps, their own shortfalls…which they are reflecting back on to your own apparent demonstration of confidence. Maybe they are simply jealous that you were on stage, and not them…
I’ve been accused of being arrogant equally from both genders. So, I don’t have much to say on the gender implications of this. But none of these people ever bought from me. So, perhaps they just didn’t like me.
And well, you can’t win them all. Be who you are. Express human emotions in a way that feels natural to you. If people like you and what you have to say, they will be fans and/or subscribers. If they don’t, they won’t.
It definitely could be personal preference.And while I respect the person’s opinion, I disagree with it. But I am grateful for the comment because it has sparked a deeper conversation about communication, gender and perceptions. BTW, I wholeheartedly agree with your comments. We should be who we are tempered perhaps by what we need to accomplish.
Great post! Thanks.
As a student, i have often seen and resented this double standard. After one presentations, a few people told me i sounded “too confident” as if it were a problem. There are also studies that show that girls outperform boys at school and yet underestimate their GPAs compared to male students.
Too true. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us Clothilde.
Great post for some thought on this topic, Alicia!
It recently hit me how often the men in my life, my father, my boyfriend, and my guy friends, have to be right. Even if they do not know a great deal on a topic, they must be right. I find it especially frustrating when they think they know they’re right and my input is put aside as not as relevant as whatever they thought up.
Of course, this doesn’t go so well for them when they step into a topic I’ve studied thoroughly. Those kind of conversations have definitely done their fair share of motivating me to speak up. It’s interesting, because the women I have talked to about this sort of thing are more than willing to acknowledge their ignorance on some issues. However, I have yet to meet a man who is comfortable admitting his own ignorance.
Jacki, I think you’ll really enjoy Deborah’s Tannen’s books. Talking From 9 to 5 is about gender communication in the workplace. However she has a few others that tackle these exact issues. Keep your head up and keep speaking up. Thank you for your comments.